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Gary Foreman

Transformational Life Coach 

  • Writer's pictureGary Foreman

Victim or Responsible?

Updated: Jun 10

Hello Friends… 


Many people would say that the opposite of victim is victor. This could be true in many cases. We will look at the characteristics of a victim below. I believe, the opposite of victim in my field is responsible. The victim is the buoy in the ocean and the responsible person drives the boat into calm waters.  


Let’s take a look, read on! 


First THE VICTIM:

The dictionary uses words in the definition such as harmed or deceived in some way. I would say that is accurate. There are other characteristics, behaviors and mental constructs that are associated with a victim. These are paraphrased from Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Successful People.  

 

Here are a few:

* They blame other people for their feelings of misery and despair. That might go something like this: “it’s the bank tellers’ fault that my bank account is always so low.” I hope this is ridiculous enough to be amusing. However, there is some truth in this image.

* They believe that others are purposely out to do them harm. Example at the restaurant: “you served me cold soup. HOW dare you, how could you do this to ME! I demand you rectify this situation immediately. I am appalled!” this came directly from a paragraph in THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle.

* They really enjoy sharing their tragic story with others. It might go something like this: “can you believe that bug smashed into my windshield. Of all the other cars on the road and that bug had to specifically give himself up on MY windshield, just after I washed my car.” Then the other person, possibly also a victim says; “that’s nothing …!”  and then goes on to TOP that story, and so on.

Any complaining makes you a victim. This is true because most anything you complain about can be resolved quickly and easily with relatively little emotion. 

Complaining indicates that you BELIEVE that someone or some issue has particularly arrived to make YOU miserable! These issues are either nothing important really OR are an opportunity to learn something and grow as person.  These issues are something you may not repeat or you may handle differently in the future. 

The responsible mind takes an objective look at the situation. This may take place without emotion OR after taking some time to calm the emotion in to a more neutral or objective state of being. The responsible mind is a decision maker with a clear direction or desired result in mind. Taking responsibility does not mean accepting blame it means that I will use the skills and tools that are  available to me and I will take what control I have over this situation, person, conflict or issue.

Here is another look at the responsible mind. You have three choices that can be executed with little or no emotion, in this moment without thinking of past and future, also from Eckhart. Some may call this the responsible mind and some call this the neutral mind.


Those choices are:

1) Negotiate or communicate an amiable win-win solution. This is usually with another person or a representative of a company. It can also be anyone or anything that you are in conflict with.


2) LEAVE the situation. That’s right.  Just get out or walk away. No communication is needed other than a THANK YOU for leading you to a decision. This could be the easiest for all involved; including the bear in the woods situation. Split …RUN! I believe the bear example has a different protocol for personal safety’s sake, but you get the point. Just get out.


3) Accept it just the way it is. In an abusive situation this would certainly not be an option. Anything else could be just met verbally or otherwise with a thank you! OR better yet, acceptance is the peace of mind that it takes to mentally say; “OK, it’s raining. All is well”. 

CONCLUSION:

 

If you feel like you have been consistently choosing the victim mentality, you may want to make a change for your own peace of mind. That change starts with awareness. Mentally declare; “I realize now that I have been choosing to experience the victim mentality and behavior. I now consciously choose to stop this behavior for my sake and the sake of those around me. I know as I choose this new neutral or responsible mind, I will begin to bring people, circumstances and resources to me that share the same belief.” It takes time to make this change due to the momentum effect from the previous behavior. It may take weeks and months and there’s no guarantee that you won’t slip into victim mentality occasionally even when you know better. That’s all part of the process. Keep going! Commitment and consistency to create a new habit is key.  AND … 

Have fun with the process!

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Gary Foreman

Transformational

Life Coach

CONTACT

(972) 639-7292
info@garyforeman.me

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Gary Foreman

Life Coach

Gary Foreman

Transformational

Life Coach

(972) 639-7292
info@garyforeman.me

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
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